The Fire Lord's Palace
by Always-Striving
Summary: His Royal Majesty's Honored Guest Lady Toph Beifong of Gaoling has arrived (batten down the hatches, lock up any and all valuables, and expect all manner of high jinks to ensue). Sequel to The Beifong Estate.


A/N: Back by popular demand (and by writer's block that I can't seem to stave off)!

* * *

Um..._gross._

Toph was Toph, and being Toph, she wasn't exactly inclined to be _polite_ or _considerate_ in the conventional sense. Did she care that her nose picking was making him - and all the other official persons in the room - feel _really_ awkward and creeped out? What, with being forced to watch as her finger wriggled around and pulled out...a greenish, grayish - _what was that?_

The wriggling stopped.

"What? Don't tell me you sissies can't take a little _booger."_

"Lady Toph - "

_crrrunch...crrrrunch..._ "How many times have I told you noodle brains not to call me that...?"

"M-miss Toph! Please, I beg of you as a fellow representative of the Earth Kingdom - " hot faced, pitiful squirming " - _stop it!_ All you've been doing for the past five minutes is - "

"Is..._this?"_

Zuko tried to recall if he'd ever heard such a girlish _squeal_ come out of any self-respecting man before. He came up short, but couldn't blame the ambassador. There was a marble-sized booger on his _lip._

_This is going to be a big headache, isn't it?_

* * *

Azula wasn't the only one who loved the royal spa.

He spent the entire day looking for her. It was imperative that she be there during their discussions on where to conserve various Earth Kingdom landscapes (both in the interest of preserving natural beauty and as a source of extra revenue for its joint Fire Nation holders). And if they didn't get it done _today,_ Lord Huang and Governor Qing would start bickering again, and then the court would start stirring and taking sides, and then the Earth Kingdom's leaders would get offended, and most of their trade would be cut off, and he'd never get any sleep. And _where_ had she been the whole time?

At the spa. Soaking. Apparently, she wasn't that big a fan of the royal hair combings, but their luxury mineral baths were just _to die for._

"I've been looking for you all day! You could have told me you were going to take the day off!"

_"Ah,_ this mango juice is awesome! You guys gotta send me this stuff. Like, for the rest of my life." Pause. "Oh, and sorry I forgot, General Panties In a Wad. Honest mistake."

UGH. "Look, has it occurred to you that while you're sitting there in a mud bath, drooling over mango juice, the rest of us are trying to do something _important,_ that _we need you there for?"_

"Yeah, yeah. Geez, you really _do_ gotta lighten up. What, do I need to sit on you again or something?"

"...you are never doing that again."

"Tch. Don't count on it, Your Grouchiness."

_"Look,_ it doesn't matter. We just came out a century long war, Toph. We need everyone to do their part. Just...get dressed and get down to the throne room soon so we can actually make some progress today."

...

_"Well?"_

"Nah, don't feel like it."

...

_"Huh?"_

Sigh. "You know what your problem is, Zuko?"

"That I have to deal with people like you?"

"No. Your problem is that you don't relax. Like, at all. Ever heard of a mental health day?"

"You sound like Sokka."

"Oh, please. The All-Knowing Grand Master of Schedules? Why don't you take the rest of the day off and destress a bit? It'd help your nerves - you're like a hive of buzzard-wasps, right now."

"How am I supposed to - "

_Crrrunk!_

_SPLASH!_

"Now let's you and me make a deal, Sparkles. You stay in that hot tub; I pick my toes. Got it?"

_"P-tegh!_ Do I really have a choice?"

"Nope."

"Just don't flick your toe jam into the bath..."

* * *

Contrary to legend, relentless heat did not make for happy rocks.

There had been a popular story during the war about how long, long ago, the spirits decided that Agni's reach would extend across the entire world, so that Fire's guiding hand could lead everyone to peace and happiness. The water gleamed and sparkled when first hit by the sun's rays, the earthen ground blossomed and thrived, and the everything was enveloped in woundrous _warmth._ The other spirits thanked Agni for his blessed sunlight, but he warned that this was the only way the world could prosper: if the sun shone down with brilliant heat, always.

Ha. _Hahahahahahaha. HA._

BANG! _"Bleargh...need...ice!"_

"Toph! What are you doing in my office? ...are you okay?"

"DO I LOOK OKAY TO YOU?"

"...um...no... Actually, you look terrible. You're sweating like an ox-mule."

_"I know! Get me some ice, Lord Pea for Brains!"_

"We ran out of ice."

_CRRRRK! "Huh?"_

"Between you and all the other diplomats...well..."

"Iced tea?"

_"Iced_ tea?"

"Juice?"

"Gone."

"Water?"

"Lukewarm."

_"Katara?"_

...

"It says here she's in Omashu with Aang." Wince. "Momo swallowed a spider fly."

_"Pffft._ I'm gonna go poach some juice off Minister Squawky."

_"Toph..."_

* * *

Entitled courtiers were very, _very_ annoying.

There were one or two of them who he liked reasonably well, and a dozen more he liked to think he could trust, but most were a bunch of double-crossing, hounding, chastising, giggling, parlaying, kiss-up freaks that Zuko could barely hold his tongue with. They weren't nearly as scary as his sister had been, but he could always count on them to scold him like a petty child whenever he needed their support to get something _done._

Which was why he sent Toph in. For...diplomacy.

"Sparky! I got your deals for ya!"

"Wow, that was fast. Thank you."

"Neh, all in a day's work for the World's Greatest Earthbender!"

"Mm-hmm. So, did you get all of them?"

"Most of 'em. Still working on a few."

"Which ones did you get?"

"Lord Bucket Wash, General Boulder Two Point O, Lady Scream Seargent, Lord Piss His Pants, Minister Squawky, Minister Nasal, Little Miss Screechy, General Prancy Puff, His Honorable Lemon Head, Minister Boom No Brain, Lady Trembles, Lady Prudish Twitch, Lord Creepy Eyes, _and...His Most Honorable Boobiness, Third Cousin of the Fire Lord, __Lord Gropy Pimp."_

"Lord...Gropy Pimp...?"

"The guy's got a freakin' _harem!"_

"...true." _I should take care of that._

* * *

Her little exploits probably didn't do much in the way of political alliances or tact.

Having gotten bored with sitting around his office and listening to his advisors debrief him on the latest tax riots from the western islands, Toph had told him she was going exploring and could be expected back around dinner. Zuko hadn't thought much of it and let her go - it wasn't like she'd let him stop her, anyway.

But maybe he should have tried regardless. Since now, his assistant was dragging him through the palace corridors, _insisting_ that His Most Venerable Majesty simply _had_ to see this.

" - an absolute disgrace, Fire Lord! I couldn't believe my own eyes when I first saw it! The _nerve_ of that little, filth begotten, arrogant - "

"Feng Shuei, bear in mind that Toph is here by my personal request and must therefore be regarded with the highest esteem."

"Why - why, _yes_ sire, of course! How could I ever forget (what, with how she's always parading about, proclaiming it for all the world to hear)? In fact - ah, Lady Rivka, tell me, have you seen the little _surprise_ Miss Toph has bestowed upon us?"

"Oh hello, Feng Shuei, Your Majesty... I...have. Um, I must say it was rather...mmm...how to put this...?"

...

_"What is __that?"_

Gleaming despairingly bright in the sunshine was a marble statue. Of his father. Naked. Hands hovering suspiciously close to -

_"TOPH!"_

* * *

A/N: And...there you have it, folks! I hope you enjoyed! Please remember to drop off a review on your way out (as always, constructive criticism/pointing out spelling+grammar mistakes=most appreciated!)

Ugh. Math.


End file.
